Blackstone announces reverse IPO, errr, LBO of self, or something like that (parody)

Bloomberg and CNN have confirmed that CEO, Stephen Schwarzman (pictured to the right) and his private equity firm, Blackstone Group (BX), have made an offer to buyout itself at $45 per share. Having just issued 133-million "common units" at $31 per share last Friday, word of Mr. Schwarzman's subsequent buyout just three days later, and at 14-dollars per share more than Friday's IPO price had traders and portfolio managers in London buzzing with excitement. Upon hearing of the somewhat quirky move by the LBO King, Ron Willlis, an equity trader with Barclay's Bank in London said, "This move by Schwarzman just proves that this globally-synchronized bull market in everything is pretty much unstoppable!! Its not even funny how great things are!!"

According to sources close to Schwarzman, who was in Managua, Nicaragua on Saturday negotiating a potential buyout of the Central American country, the LBO billionaire was very frustrated with the reception investors gave his company, The Blackstone Group, on its inaugural day of trading at the New York Stock Exchange on Friday. Upon returning to New York early Sunday morning, we gained access to Mr. Schwarzman at his Park Avenue offices where he indeed confirmed his intentions to "LBO" his own firm. When asked if the less-than-expected 4-dollar gain in shares of Blackstone on Friday had prompted his decision to go private, again, Schwarzman said curtly, "It was 4-dollars and six cents, and yes!!" A noticeably agitated Schwarzman said, "That 4-dollar-and-six-cent gain in our shares was an affront.... an insult to speculative manias everywhere!!" And, "This situation absolutely requires...a really futile and stupid gesture be done on some one's part...and I'm just the guy to do it."

Referring back to the meteoric rise of IPOs during the tech and Internet bubble in 1999 and 2000, Schwarzman said, "What, TheGlobe.com rose something like 90-points on its first day?" He said, "....and I don't even think they even had a product." Pointing over at a long table that ran the length of Blackstone's giant fourth floor "war room" occupied by no less than sixty to seventy accountants and lawyers, on a Sunday no less, trolling through old bond indentures and federal tax code manuals, Schwarzman said, "At least we have a product."

When pressed on the details and wisdom behind an LBO at a price that is 45-percent higher than its three-day-old IPO, Mr. Schwarzman replied in a very deliberate and mellow tone, "That's what makes America great. You can do some pretty crazy-ass stuff with your money and other people's money---that may not seem all that prudent or even logical at the time, but somehow it just seems to work out fine."

Perry Hudwinkle, a Vice-President of Mergers & Acquisitions at Morgan Stanley, said of Mr. Schwarzman, "This is what makes Stephen such an incredible asset to our planet, he is capable of quite literally splitting the financial atom. I no longer question his financial maneuvers because I believe he may actually be infallible. And I'm not just saying that because we co-managed his equity underwriting and will advise his company on their $5.98-billion junk bond offering to finance the LBO. I really mean it."